Limboland sucks.

I hate to be so negative, but let's get real, limbo can and does suck.

Then again, maybe I am just being a bit extreme and a lot melodramatic. Wouldn't be the first time in my life that's happened. Spazzing out mildly over a new lump I felt near my deeper groin node dissection scar going on a couple of weeks ago. Lord.
I did ask my surgeon at the follow up appointment this past Monday what he thought of it, all the while chanting a mantra in my skull "PleaseSayItsScarTissuePleasesSayItsScarTissue."

He said it was quite possible it could be scar tissue, but if it grows, to call right away. Then he asked if the oncologist that I am seeing for my vaccine trial is planning on ordering a CT scan soon. I replied that he was, and I would get that Rx form on the 28th. He said, okay, good....Guess he figures that if this little stinker of a lump is anything either a) it will show up on the CT scan, or b) it will grow (no brainer there).

Let me just say once again, inside I am majorly freaking out this time around as far as the CT scan goes....There is this dread building up in anticipation of this batch of scans. I could list a whole sh*tload of fairly rational yet slightly neurotic reasons that would justify my level of insanity, but to be truthful, I could also list a few equally good yet possibly less valid arguments for the CT coming back clear. I won't rattle any of those off here though. Ultimately, it comes down to pure luck. Nothing more...and that's what stinks.

Whenever scan time rolls around, I always think of this guy that used to post on MPIP a while back who always referred to melanoma and all that goes with it as a "Chinese Execution" (or maybe it was death sentence, not totally sure there). When asked by a couple of fellow MPIP'ers why he always referred to it that way, his explanation (not an exact quote) was a fitting one: over in China, when a person is given the death sentence, it isn't carried out the same way as it is here in the U.S. Instead, the people set to be executed are all brought out and lined up. Then one is randomly chosen. That is their day to die. None of them ever know which one of them it will be. None of them know when.
Now, I never checked to see if this statement was factual, but I did get his comparison and his point.

I do believe that just about every person with melanoma out there, myself included, would agree on this one: It's the not knowing, the huge and overwhelming unknown, that sucks....it is the hardest thing to deal with. You just never know.

Anything is possible, and the possibilities aren't always the best ones.

New lumps, bumps, aches, pains, wierd sensations, waiting on scan or test results, etc. These are the things that can drive you into a state of anxiety worthy of a hefty dose of Xanax and make a padded cell seem like an inviting place to sleep, that is until you hear the words "all clear" "it was nothing serious" "benign"....basically, anything other than cancer, or more specifically, not melanoma.

We want answers. Now isn't fast enough.

I hate to admit this, but as a stage I patient (going on two years ago now), I would literally comb through all the stage I patnets on MPIP to seek out others who had similar disease characteristics and breathe a HUGE sigh of relief if they were still stage I. Worse yet, I would comb through the stage III's to look for that same thing: people who had melanomas similar to mine, started out as stage I and progressed (can you say glutton for punishment and self torment?). I would look tirelessly, research constantly, always looking for a clue as to what to expect....Looking for answers that no one can give me.

As if any amount of preparing myself for the "worst" could lessen the blow if and when that worst actually happened.

Scan time always makes me nutz.

On the flip side I do know that with each scan that comes back clear, it gets infinitely easier to face the next one....Well, maybe not infinitely. But quite a bit, anyway. I do know that there are few things in this new life of mine, aside from my kids and husband, that can make me as purely ecstatic as a clean CT scan. Lots of things make me happy, but not to that extreme. And while it is very possible this CT could be every bit the shitty picture I have built it up to be in the darkest corners of my mind and my nightmares, it is also just as likely that it will tell me exactly what I want it to. Clear. NED.

And NED is always worth celebrating.

Now I just have to convince myself. ;)

An update from the land of the looney.

Woke up at the butt crack of dawn this morning and figured I oughta take advantage of it and post an update here, since my time on the computer has been so scarce lately. Perfect opportunity around here...the very rare moment when it is nice and quiet....

I think what woke me up was that I rolled over on my arm. Man, this sucker hurts like hell...Feels like Alien is going to come bustin' out of one of these injection sites....Either that or the right side of my skull since it is starting to get all plugged up with a cold....

Man these suckers are getting sore, and if I do say so, fairly to moderately nasty. They are ooozing, swollen, red, angry and a fair amount of them hurt like a bitch....Small price to pay, I guess, especially since aside from the local symptoms, I have virtually no side effects whatsoever from this vaccine trial...Crossing my fingers that this all means that I am actually getting something in those shots, because it seems pretty obvious that my body is reacting to something unless I am misunderstanding things....Hope like hell it works and kicks melanoma square in the ass!

Had my last set of vaccine injections last Friday (2/9). Six rows of three injections. The first round was done in my lower arm on the inside, so all in all, seven weeks worth. The next trip I have to make to Philly that is related to the vaccine trial will be on the 28th for the DTH testing to see if my body has mounted a reaction. They inject into my forearm, then on March 2nd I go back in to have the DTH injection site checked by ultrasound (YES, there is a light at the end of the tunnel....aaahhh, March!--see last post). At the visit on the 28th I was already told that I would be ordered up another CT scan to check everything out on the inside too....Now, it goes without saying that this freaks me the HELL out...Man, I am scared this time around. More than I ever have been before anyway. My stomach is knotting up already.

Aside from all the trips to Philly lately, things have been pretty psycho around here. A little more so than what would be considered normal for us, anyway. Since before Christmas, the kiddos have brought home two different varieties of stomach virus and all manner of colds, ear infections, and on and on....and on. Man, I have to agree with my sister who happens to have asthma on this one: "I would rather have an asthma attack than a stomach bug." When one of my kiddos hasn't been an incubus for viral plague (loved that quote from a movie I saw recently...harhar), things have been the average and typical level of busy for a family...which is to say run around like a chicken with its head cut off at times busy.

That plus the recent ice storm along with my seeming inability to crawl too far out of this slump of a mood I have been in about sums up most of what has been going on around here....

Just can't seem to get my head screwed on straight recently. Always near the edge and it doesn't seem to take much lately to push me over it. I mean, come on....I broke down crying over our heater not working properly yesterday. What's up with that?!?!

I just know I can't stand this black mood I have so easily slipped into so often these last couple of months. I should be counting my lucky stars for all the things I do have to be thankful for....I should toughen up. I keep telling myself that there are a TON of people fighting a lot harder than I am right now, dealing with a whole heap more, and still seem to maintain that upbeat, strong and positive attitude in spite of it all.

Not this chick. On the inside, I have been a mess. I can't stand myself when I get this way....I have got to shift my way up and out of this shitty mood I have been fluctuating in and out of....even if I have to claw my way out of it.

Oh! Here's one from the "it could be a whole hell of a lot worse" category: Not having the great benefits that our family has. So far, knock on wood, they have covered almost everything. I do keep getting those letters that let me know about all the claims that have been made (mostly for my medical care, of course *eyes rolling*). Got one recently that was a printout of the numerous...and I mean numerous charges that racked up with that limb perfusion/abdominal lymph node dissection surgery and hospital stay in November: 150,000 bucks and some change. I about blew an artery somewhere in my skull when I saw that. HOLY SHIT. The cost and value of a human life...huh...Hope they don't decide to just drop my ass off the plan like a hot potato.

Aaaahh, well. Hopefully a brighter more positive outlook is right around the corner. If not there is always the option of a stiff drink :)

Man, I hate winter.

We just got pummeled with an ice storm this past week that left thousands in our area without power for whole stretches of time...

These are some of the pictures that I took during and after that storm....

Let me just start off by saying that even under the best of circumstances, those being that winter brings with it only an average amount of snowfall and average temperatures, I can't STAND it! And that is putting it mildly. Been that way since birth. I find it ironic, not to mention mildly hysterical that I was born in Maine. The fact hasn't been lost on me that I really have no room to gripe too much, since up there in Oswego, New York they have had something like 11 or 12 feet of snow in the span of about a week give or take....Let me just say right now, that if I lived there, I would probably want to slit my throat right about now, that is how much I despise wintertime...heheh. Kind of contradictory for me to say that, since I want to fight tooth and nail to keep living in the face of this melanoma crap for a looong, LOOOONG time, but I digress....

Winter just always gets me down. Way, waaaay down. In the dumps, that is. That is, when it isn't enraging me and burning me out even in its most average form. Just can't take the cold. I literally feel like I am having convulsions whenever I start shivering, that is how severely I shake...Wouldn't be surprised if I have numerous contusions on my brain after all the shivering and tooth chattering I have been doing this winter, either...It has been brutally cold, relatively speaking and IMHO, around here this winter. I can't believe I have actually been whooping and cheering when the weather calls for temps that are actually near freezing....

I defintely have questioned the very real possibility that I may have seasonal affective disorder....No exaggeration. I would kill right now for a little color.

Anyway, back to this ice storm.

Our poor magnolia tree. It took a severe beating from this storm, as so many other trees have. I know I am a complete whack job lately, but I literally burst into tears when Ed got me out of bed to come look at it outside our front window....

All the branches were covered in ice. Every single leaf....the weight caused half a dozen big branches to break off and about 4 feet broke off the top. This tree has special meaning to me for several reasons, the most meaningful being that Ed and I picked it out and planted it together the summer right after we got married. Another being that this tree has survived some major adversity: a couple very dry summers where water was rationed and a couple other brutal winters, the worst being back in 2003 when we had snow totals of over three feet in just a couple weeks. It almost died, but it didn't. It has become symbolic.

No lie, but as much as I hate the cold, I was outside trying to break as much ice off of those leaves as I could, just to take some of the weight off this poor tree. It broke my heart. I know, what did I tell ya....a whack job, I am.

This is another picture that I took of our street. Looks like an arctic tundra. Lord. We live halfway down the coast. It's not as if we live in Carabou, Maine. Freaky. But I will try to keep my moaning and groaning in check, since, there again, those poor folks in upstate New York are dealing with such obscene amounts of snow right now.

It is beautiful though, I will give it that....

An ice storm bathes everyting in its path in a sheet of ice. Completely encased. It definitely can be beautiful to look at, but tragic in its destruction of trees, power lines, etc. Not to mention damned dangerous to travel during and afterward.

This last one I took later on when the sun came out and lit everything up. The picture doesn't do it justice. Everything was sparkling like it had a coating of crystal. Amazing. Breathtaking.

Hey, that is what I will keep telling myself. Eventually, the sun always comes out and lights things up. Even the worst things don't last, and nothing, not even a bad mood, can last forever.