I stand together with several of my fellow melanoma patients on this one: I am sick and tired of having to constantly be brave, positive and strong. It is downright impossible to maintain non-stop. This has come up a couple of times lately on MPIP, and in the blogs of other melanoma patients, and I have to cheer them on for their openness and honesty.
I get worn out, frazzled and just plain bombed outta my wits at the sheer prospect of having to constantly project this image of the courageous, strong and inspiring cancer patient. Don't get me wrong; it is a dubious honor..one that in most cases, I do want to live up to...just damned hard to keep carrying it on and on from day to day....We do what we have to do to go on LIVING. Not a one of us chose of our own free will to enter into this "battle" that, in all reality, we may not win.
Will I do what I have to do? Will I fight? In a word: YES. It goes without saying that life is worth fighting for. But are there times that I want to go screaming and running for the hills like my hair is on fire? Definitely.
It is just this belief that our culture has to never be weak, have constant strength and always be upbeat and positive in the face of adversity. Never is this more apparent than with the expectations put on cancer patients. It is this belief that gets under my skin like a bad case of hives. This need to never crumble, come unglued...or even let anyone see us cry.
In reality, where I prefer to dwell, these are the things that make each of us more human, vulnerable....real. In the name of all that is Sacred and Holy, why do we as people feel the compulsion to have to live up to a constantly perfect standard set by a cultural belief? It is unforgiving, frustrating and unfair.
Am I brave? Most days I don't feel like it.
I was blindsided; backed into a corner and had the rug pulled out from under me on several occasions. Melanoma does that to too many of us.
Many days I am screaming inside.
Since melanoma, I am a scatterbrain who would so often forget my head if it wasn't attached.
I wake up each day in a cloud of doubt, fear and insecurity about whatever the future may hold for me.
Some days, I wonder whether or not I should seriously consider being put on a stiff dose of mood enhancing, anxiety reducing medications.
So many days, being brave is just plain hard work.
Some days we have to face the reality of the fear. Fear of the unknown. This is a completely human fear. Our need to have absolute answers to whatever questions we have, and at times, to go literally batshit when there just aren't any answers.
The living in limbo state that melanoma can induce can erode the mind and fray the nerves of most anyone....I know it has cooked my circuits good quite a few times.
As cancer patients we know that to go on LIVING, we have to reframe our thinking. Train ourselves to live moment to moment; to live fully within the moment we are in right now. To think too far ahead brings with it a certain level of insanity.
Living moment to moment, never knowing what to expect could potentially bring about a person's undoing....But on the flipside, it can bring freedom.
Okay...more than enough rambling from me for now :)
3 comments:
What gorgeous photographs and words. Shannon you expressed so well what so many think and feel but can't express. I have been so impressed with the way you and others with blogs and on the MPIP can do that. To me one of the bravest things a person can do is allow themselves to be vulnerable. In terms of cancer, we don't have a choice in whether we get it but to allow yourself to acknowledge the fears and keep on keeping on is far braver than applying a mask and pushing away the honest, human emotions. Bravery to me is to be afraid and still continue to do what has to be done. You are brave in my book for writing this post. As ever, Carver
I am truly humbled by your writing..truly humbled. I agree with Carver, it takes a very brave person to be so honest with your feelings and afterall isn't that what blogs are for..you reach many people thru your words of honesty. No, you did not chose this battle, none us do or would even think we would find ourselves in such a battle so it is what it is...so many of us have been taught not to cough up our feelings and yet they are there, sometimes just on the surface waiting to be exposed in a safe arena...your arena is here. I have been waiting for the day that you would be this vulnerable and it has come in one of the most valuable posts I've ever read. I am humbled. love to you friends, sue
Never be ashamed to let people know you are scared. We don't always have to have a smile-- let's change these misconceptions! They are harmful, not helpful to us patients.
I enjoy reading your blog and was honoured to know that you have peeked at mine.
Sarah
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