Just some thoughts....

As the holidays are getting closer, I have been thinking more and more that I need to check myself at the door and re-adjust my thinking on so many levels about so much....

I have so very much to be thankful for, and at the risk of sounding cheesy and cliche, I have this moment...Right Now.

Yesterday, I got to loose the drain! I literally felt the urge to start skipping and doing cartwheels out of that interventional radiology floor. If you have ever had one of these buggers, you know exactly what I mean when I say I felt a HUGE relief once it was gone. I was in a great mood, and I got to thinking about how I have to focus so much more on the positive than I have been lately....
So much of these last couple of months I have spent worrying about the what ifs and worst case scenarios that I ran myself down. I was WIPED OUT and realized that THIS has got to STOP....and sooner rather than later.
That, plus I got this LiveSTRONG survivorship notebook in the mail the other day, and all the survivors' stories inspired me to get off my ass and start looking at the brighter side...I got there before, and I know I can do it again.
Right now, I have my kids, my husband and my friends who all mean the world to me and I have this day. Today, and the hope that there will be a long string of tomorrows after that.

I got way too bogged down worrying about what might happen down the road, when all of that was and is completely out of my control. I can't spend time worrying about whether or not I will advance and what my odds are, because in the end it is all about luck (or lack thereof) and most of all, it is beyond my control.

To get out of this slump, I know I have to let this go....

Right now, I am still stage III, and while I will never stop recognizing how dire that is in its own right, in and of themselves, the sub-Q, in-transit and nodal recurrences I have had are not life threatening. Organ metastases are.

And while my odds have gone up of that particular scenario someday happening, it is still a HUGE random crapshot that is not in any way certain to go down.

So for today, and hopefully as long after that as I can, I refuse to dwell on those worst case scenarios....

Ok. Enough of that. It is the holiday season, and there are so many reasons to be thankful for all that I have. On Christmas day, for the first time in years, everyone can come over to our house for the day. Other years, this would send my stress level through the roof. My mom and dad, my sis, my mother and father in law...all in our house at the same time...But not this year. This year, I think it is great! They haven't all been able to get together and just hang out together in years.

Also, stating the obvious here, but as my kids' level of excitedness escalates with each day, it is hard to not soak that up. It rubs off...there is no way around that. They are lit up from the inside out. There is nothing better.

Found this picture above of a pug in a santa suit and got to thinking about the funny and cute, but at times very naughty little pug we had adopted for a short time, Goofy. We had him for a month at the end of the summer, and at first, he was a dream dog. He was 16 months, already housebroken. He was a clown, funny and friendly as hell. Then he started to act OUT. And that is putting it mildly. We had to give him back....We were heartbroken...especially the kids, who quickly fell in love with him. We agreed to get another one. I know the kids would love to see a pug on Christmas morning, but with all these melanoma setbacks, surgeries and treatments (coming up) it wasn't possible to get a puppy before spring sometime. Just wouldn't work to have a puppy tearin' up the house among other even worse things with all the treks to Philly I will have to make for the vaccine trial either.

I even caught myself thinking at one point about putting off the puppy in the spring too, for fear that things will never be "normal" around here. But hell, when are things ever normal? I refuse to let myself worry about things that may never come to pass and just DO. Live now.

I came across this picture of Goofy. My kids want a pug puppy, baaaaaad (imagine this said in only the way a child can manage to say it). I would love one myself. And aside from the obvious, that strong pull to make my kids happy; to see them light up, it will be another thing on that long list of things that I will call Affirmations of Life.