2 Down.

Well, I have now finished my second set of radiation treatments to my sacrum/pelvis and my right hip. Above is a pic of me on the table getting ready and gearing up to have my melanoma fried, sizzled, seared and cooked into a well-done oblivion and hopefully out of my bones for GOOD.
The radiation machine can actually be quite intimidating once you are lying on that table. It is very large when you are standing right next to it, or lying right under it...can get pretty overwhelming...
It can turn sideways so that it wraps around the table in sort of a C shape; it can rotate from side to side and even underneath the table so that the positioning coordinates with what was programmed into the system from the basic scans they took during the initial visits to determine the precise areas that need to be irradiated. Custom number coordinates for the table position are made based on the info obtained from the CT scan simulator, and the "tattoos" that are marked on you to make sure that you are positioned the exact same way each and every time you lie down on that table.
I am totally sure I am way oversimplifying this very complicated process, but at the very least, I am in complete awe over how detailed it all is...

Hell. It better be. I would hate to find out that one of my kidneys was fried to a crisp instead of one of the tumors.

Of course, as I stated before a hundred times to quite a few people, my main concern is obviously, that this whole complicated process of lining everything up, coordinating the position of the beam to the spots verified on the scan, etc. etc, and on and on...that it sizzles and zaps the living SHIT outta that mel that has taken up residence in my bones.

Overall, the staff has been incredibly friendly and kind. The atmosphere and general feel of the place is all tooled to create a sense of peace and inner calm complete with beautiful pictures and photographs on the ceiling for you to gaze upon in the vain hope that it will soothe you and distract you from what is, in fact, actually going on:

A war being waged between you, and ironically enough, mutant cells created by and trying to take over your own body. A war that not a one of us signs up for, but needless to say no one will never raise the white flag in surrender.

So far, I have had minimal side effects, but obviously, I can't jump to too many conclusions just yet, as I have only completed two out of anywhere from 10 to 14 treatments depending on how my melanoma metastases respond. I was told, however, that I could possibly experience some minor fatigue (like the major stress I have been feeling isn't already doing that) *eyes rolling*, possibly a slight chance of nausea since the pelvis area could possibly include a small part of the bowels, and also a slight chance of that not so fabulous malady of having to bolt to the little girls' room ASAP. As far as that last one goes, I figure it will all balance out, since narcotics are notorious for creating the exact opposite of that effect. Shit, stay on any narcotic long enough and you need a blasting cap or something equally as offensive to take care of that particular problem.

But, most importantly, and seemingly unanimously among all the docs and nurses, is that there is a very good possibility that these treatments will help tremendously with pain relief. To that, I am belting out a ginormous HALLELUJAH, LORD ALLMIGHTY, THANK GOD AND THE ANGELS ABOVE.

Oh, and of course, just in case I didn't stress this point enough, it can possibly and hopefully sizzle that melanoma up. Always an incredible possibility and needles to say, prayed for intensely.

As far as my pain control situation, things are looking up a bit.

The doc prescribed me some extended release Oxycontin...YEEHAW! along with some Oxycodone pills that don't contain Acetaminophen for episodes of breakthrough pain. As of last night, as they told me to expect, my blood levels of the Oxycontin were not high enough that I wouldn't need to hit the Oxocodones every few hours; I was told it would take a couple of doses to get it there...and if not, they will be tweaking it up some more....

But, I am happy to report, that while I slept like crap last night, staggered out of bed in a bleary eyed state of complete mental retardation and cognitive impairment from such a lack of good sleep lately, the shit kicked in at around 9:00am this morning or so. I was so ecstatic and on a natural high--*honest and swear to God I was not loopy from meds*--just simply due to the fact that I felt something close to normal...There was only the slightest achiness and I could actually walk like a young woman again...Not all hunched over and waddling like a bowlegged psycho from the lack of being able to put weight on my right leg.

I am PSYCHED to say the least. And I am sure to anyone I interacted with today, there was a MAJOR difference in my general mood and outlook that could no doubt be heard in my voice...I was just happy.

Hoping no one thought I had taken a nasty fall, whacked my head forcefully on a very hard surface and suffered irreparable brain damage, due to my happiness level being in direct contrast with the unfortunate circumstances lately....I can just imagine it would seem far out there and more than weird, that despite all this more than shitty news I have been blasted with as of late, that I was in such a euphoric mood today...A true testament to how miserable pain can make you; but on the flipside, without the pain, you never truly and fully appreciate how wonderful and completely incredible it is to feel good.

Okay...Now I am sure I sound like a total and complete whackjob.

But so much now, my thoughts get filtered through the "cancer filter" as I call it. There are several spin offs of this "cancer filter" also, but all of them arise as a direct result of it. Strange how that happens. It has become such an integral part of my thinking, for good (yes, believe it or not, there can be good) and for bad.

Good would be how much it opens your eyes; wakes you up to everything; makes you feel alive. Keep in mind that this is NOT my overall and most common frame of mind lately. I have had to work at this one SOOO much this last month or so...Hell, the last six months or so, who the hell am I kidding? Most of the time I feel like a blubbering idiot who would forget her head if it wasn't attached lately, my mind almost completely blasted out and obliterated...and the sadness...it looms like a vortex, a pit below you, trying with all its power to suck you in...It is a fight to keep yourself from being drawn in there...

But so far, I have to admit, I should give myself a big pat on the back..'cause for the most part, I am managing to pull myself up and keep focused only on what is right in front of me. All that matters right now. Everything matters, and I know I don't want to waste any more time than I have to wallowing in fear, utter panic, depression and self pity.

It is all peaks and valleys.

And I do respect totally the need to purge the negative crap and toxic feelings out before they fester and rot like a splinter that could not be dug out...A very BIG splinter. So I let myself cry...I let the damn break and let it go....

And even if it is only short lived, the relief that follows in the wake of a good cleansing and body wracked by sobs type of cry fest, is so worth it. It paves the way to get down to business and face head on whatever comes next.

Aww hell, I am probably not making a whole lot of sense right about now, considering the fact that I am currently in the middle of a Xanax induced zone out, completely sleep deprived and stressed out to the max.

Just trying my damnedest, no matter how futile an attempt it can seem at times, to wrap my mind around this, adjust to it (if that is possible), find a new perspective on it all, strike some semblance of balance in my mind, and find some level ground to stand on....ground that doesn't feel like it is constantly shaking with the aftershocks that are still registering on the Richter scale after the big quake already hit.