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Wow....What a gift I have been given in watching this beautiful and amazing little girl grow, change and evolve...beginning to show little glimpses of the young woman she will soon become....
My beautiful Alannah, I cannot believe it for one second that you have just turned 11 years old a couple of days ago....Wow...How time flies.My sweet Alannah took me 29 long hours to bring into this world. That moment of sheer joy and pure magic when time seemed to stand still and she finally burst her way into this world with that final push...all fire, blood, intensity and pure unadulterated euphoria on my part, she was the single most gorgeous thing I had ever laid my eyes upon; whatever ice had frozen my heart before that moment at 1:07am early that mornng, melted away when my eyes came to rest upon her. She wrapped her tiny fingers around my thumb from my thumbnail to my knuckle and I was flooded by a love so powerful it swept me under, took hold of me and wouldn't let go....it hasn't stopped yet, and I know, it never will.
In my young 24 years of life at that time, I had known nothing so incredible, so humbling, pure, passionate and powerful in my whole life.
She is fire, passion, drama, brains, beauty and tempestuousity tempered by innocent sweetness and silliness...gifted with a heart of gold and empathy for people and animals alike.
There is no better gift in this life than that of our children.
In whatever other way I could have possibly mucked up my own personal life, the fact that I played a huge part in creating this amazing person overshadows so much any other way I could have possibly fallen terribly short in my life....I need only look into the eyes of a little girl who looks remarkably like myself at 11 and a sweet little man who will most likely grow up to be a carbon copy of his daddy....
Today....as much as it breaks my heart...my kids found out that I am now stage IV. My daughter burst into heartwrenching sobs and crying at hearing that I now have melanoma in my lungs and bones...
Somehow it was too difficult to be kept from them any longer...
My cries at night with bone pain for the last week or so...
The talks with our family yesterday about starting chemo and radiation soon...
Despite our best efforts to be discreet, our children are always so much wiser than we give them credit for....Somehow, they always seem to have this uncanny ability to really suspect that something is going on; something is not quite right...
They could put the FBI to shame.
It just breaks my heart into a million pieces that they have to go through any of this at all. To see one tear...for every one tear that I see make its way down one of their soft cheeks, my gut wrenches up; I can't bear to cause them even one fraction of an ounce of pain...
Alannah's tears came in a torrent then stopped for a brief second for her to ask me one question: "Are you scared?"--see what I mean? My sweetie was worried about how I felt....
So I took Alannah's face in my hands, since she was the one face to face with me at that very moment, and I told her...(*abridged version) "We will both, both you and me, be very brave sweetie...I love you...I will fight like hell...My doctors will fight like hell for me...I am never giving up, and I am NOT going anywhere...Not if I have anything to say about it!!"
All I can say is melanoma better get its scraggly ol' MOFO ass outta here, because I plan on being here for every single, blessed moment...milestone, birthday, Christmas...
This is my solemn prayer.
7 comments:
Shannon,
My heart breaks that you and your family have to deal with this crap. I think the most difficult part of this disease for me is to tell my family and friends when I have set backs. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to tell your young children. I'm so sorry!!
I will keep you all very close in thoughts and prayers as the next battle begins. You will win, Shannon. You will!!!
Stay Strong
King (Kathie)
Stage IV 7/05 Liver mets
Shannon,
My heart breaks that you and your family have to deal with this crap. I think the most difficult part of this disease for me is to tell my family and friends when I have set backs. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to tell your young children. I'm so sorry!!
I will keep you all very close in thoughts and prayers as the next battle begins. You will win, Shannon. You will!!!
Stay Strong
King (Kathie)
Stage IV 7/05 Liver mets
Dear Shannon,
What a beautiful, intelligent daughter you have. I am so sorry that you as a family are having to go through this. You are incredibly strong.
I saw your post to the pain doc and didn't want to get into this on the board but you really aren't on a very high dose of medication and I think you should let your doctor know how much pain you are in. Hopefully pain doc will answer you on the MPIP but the big thing is don't be shy about letting your doctors know how bad it is.
The problem with what you are taking is they can't have it more frequent because of the ancetimenophen (sp no doubt) but they could up the strength of the other or try you on something else. The point is the 500 part of what you are on is the equivalent of tylenol the 5 part is the strong stuff. If your doctor knows how much pain you are in, I'm sure they'll get you on something that can safely be given which is stronger (I think it comes in 7.5/375). Email any time if you have questions. One reason I can say this is that I don't have active cancer but I've had stronger meds that you have during acute pain times.
I also know about the issue with the ancetimenophen part because oddly enough that was of more concern to my PCP than the strong stuff but if the strong stuff has the tylenol equivalent in it that limits how often it can safely be taken. They can giggle that or try you on another med that's stronger. I don't really like getting more specific on a public forum but do feel free to email me.
Sending out good thoughts for you, your children and Ed.
As ever, Carver
Dear Shannon,
My heart is breaking for you, my friend. you are so sweet and enduring, I only wish I could take this all away from you. Your Alanna is a gorgeous young woman and so tender at such a young age..I will soon be sending you a package and in this pkg there will be a book that may be most helpful with your children..how can anything be more helpful than your love for them..My heart breaks for you, the children and Ed. I so hope the pain doctor answers your post soon and in the meantime, please email Carver, she is the best of resources I can think of..she is truly so helpful to many including me with all my questions..she never fails and I'm sure she will be ble to help you tremendously. loving you from NV, I so wish I were closer to help with whatever you need. sue
Shannon
What a beautiful family you have - and how lucky are they that they have you for a wife/mother (and they will have for a very long time).
I am thinking of you and sending love from Oz.
Kristyx (Kris on MPI).
Shannon~
Oh, my sweet friend....I am at a loss for words. Just know that I love you, and am thinking of you, always...
Faith~ p.s. Your family and you, are just beautiful.
Hi Shannon,
I looked around and all I can say is (to use your words)...melanoma doesn't have a 'MOFO' chance against you!
Sorry I do not know you better but I can assure you my wife, Jackie Thompson, who knows you well, ALWAYS tells me how special and GREAT, a person you are! I mean it. Jackie just 'vibes' when she talks to me about you. She lights up when speaking about you.
Keep kickin' it's butt, and know that in my house, you are prayed for you daily.
Love,
Dan & Jackie Thompson
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