Just too many thoughts rolling around in my skull lately, I guess...Got to thinking about how I need to get on the phone with that lawyer and stop putting off what I really need to deal with right now: Getting a will drawn up. I guess some of these thoughts have been rolling around simply because of fear and anxiety over a very uncertain future and whatever it may bring....Or maybe it is just that I have to have a CT scan and an MRI of the brain done on Tuesday to make sure the melanoma really is only in my leg...Any damn way..just a time for spazzing out, I guess.
Worrying about my beautiful girl too...The school counselor called to speak with me about the conversation she had with her yesterday...It concerned a note that my daughter was caught passing in class to a friend of her's...
She is scared that I have to have another surgery...She is angry that the treatments I had done did NOT get rid of the melanoma...She is scared...and that breaks my heart...My husband and my son are scared too, they just seem better able to hide it...Maybe it is a trait that is only evident in males...who knows?
I know I just feel raw white hot panic at the sheer prospect of having to confront the very real threat that melanoma brings to my mortality...Something no person should have to face, much less someone young, with young children and a young husband who had dreams of a long future together...It also goes without saying that I hate even more than the fact I have to deal with all this, the very real fact that my family...my children have to...I worry more for them, obviously, than I do for myself....
Getting a little angry with myself today (to say the least) because I feel this compulsion to whine and gripe at the moment....
Weeelll....let me just shut that down right now!!
I will seek out what is beautiful around me...I will think about how blessed I have already been in this life no matter what lies ahead for me...I have already given melanoma too much today....
Life, for all the pain and angst we can experience at different points within it, is beautiful...and more than worth fighting for with all the power that we have!
2 comments:
Hi Shannon,
Good to see you are on blogger. It's much easier for me to chek blogs than myspace. Frankly, I fear I'm too old for myspace.
I am so sorry you are going through all of this and of course you're scared. How could you not be. I don't think that cannotes whining or a lack of bravery. Personally I think it's brave to acknowledge your fears and keep putting one step in front of the other. Same with your daughter. As scary as it must be for you, I think it indicates that she's doing well for her to be able to discuss her fears with her friends. You are in my thoughts and prayers as are your children.
Take care, Carver
Keeping you in my prayers!
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