It always amazes me, and never stops inspiring me, the human spirit's ability to adapt and adjust to even the most seemingly insurmountable odds.As I sit here, I hope like hell I can pick myself up off the floor, breathe in, breathe out, summon up strength that I never new I had, and face head on, into the storm.
But this will to fight--that is always an undercurrent. I don't think it ever stops in anyone that has ever had to face a cancer diagnosis whether it is for themselves or someone they love.
Giving up is not an option.
Sometimes, in this life, things can blindside you...blast you out of the water, knock you to the ground...threaten to undo you.
I have felt the ground shift beneath my feet...
All of that on some crystal clear blue day that before it hit you, you thought was just like any other that came before it...
Strange too, how you can remember with utter clarity, almost as if the moment has been crystallized in time, the exact day of the week, date and time of day that you get bad news...something that seems so devastating to you at that time, that you fear you won't ever recover and get back on your feet.
I got that call from the doctor that told me I now had melanoma on a Friday. August 15th, 2003.
My life would never be the same. But who's life is after something like that?
I can still remember all the songs on the radio...the weather...what I was wearing.
There have been several other days like that too...
March 23, 2005. The day I found out I had advanced to and was now stage III melanoma with my first in-transit recurrence. Today, marks two years to the day...
Only now, I am stage IV.
March 8, 2007 and March 19, 2007. They are racking up, but I hope like hell that no matter what lies ahead, good or bad, there are a LOT more dates...years from now...
Stage IV is a stage III melanoma patient's worst nightmare, to be totally blunt. Any melanoma patient's worst nightmare, to be completely honest. It is this surreal and unimaginable place we dare not imagine....
As a stage III (or any other stage) patient, you look on in awe and admiration at the courage shown despite what you can only imagine terrifying circumstances, displayed by all those patients facing stage IV melanoma. You cannot imagine yourself being half as strong.
I know that now that I am sitting there...I don't feel like I am. Right now, I feel like a quivering puddle on the floor. But slowly, that shock is fading, and taking its place is the undeniable realization that I have to pick up the pieces, change my perspective once again, and face this head on.
There is only one undeniable fact, through whatever tears I have cried, and all those that will be shed, through whatever anger I have felt: I will do whatever I can....anything within my power to stop this beast of a cancer.
Whatever it takes.
IL2 sounds like one helluva rough treatment, but despite all of that, the outcome when it is positive, can't be denied. If I do have bone metastasis and I have to have radiation before the IL-2, I have two words:
BRING IT!
4 comments:
Dear Shannon,
I couldn't agree more with everything you said. I don't know how you feel never having faced the dreaded progression to stage IV but I have been honored to witness the resiliance and strength of the human spirit both within my community offline and more recently through people I've gotten to know on the MPIP. You are one of those amazing people whose journey I've followed. I see you standing strong on that peak with your feet firmly anchored to the ground and when you need to sit down or lie down and regroup, I see you doing that.
I love your blog and the photographs are always a perfect companion to your words. I am so glad that you have Ed by your side in this battle. I hope you hear soon about the MRI. I know the waiting must seem interminable.
You are as ever in my thoughts, Carver
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea ...
Psalm 46:1-2
I can only imagine how surreal it must be for you to be on the other side of that imaginary line in the sand. As Stage 3 patients we play mental games with ourselves - oh it can't get me because I'm on this said of the line and as long as I don't hear those words "Stage 4" then I am safe, regardless of the odds.
But they are only games b/c any of us can cross over that line at any time.
I wish my all my heart I could just grab you and pull you back over to my side - drag you back over with mel. screaming in frustration, his evil schemes thwarted. Like heroines in a cheesy scary movie ... so of course we'd be skinny & buff & tank-topped. : )
But since THAT'S not gonna happen, all i can do is offer my love & prayers & support. And remind you that God is with you. Take refuge in Him and comfort in Him. I'll send you some good verses. I'll also find Tony Evans' sermon on the Armour of God. Good to prepare for battle.
Love,
Amy
Dear Shannon,
I am still at a loss for words but I see such strength in your blog as you muddle through your journey.
Here is a reminder of God's love for you as I know you have strength in the Lord.
One night a woman had a dream. She dreamed she was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from her life. For each scene, she noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one beloinging to her and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of her life flashed before her, she looked back at the footprints in the sand. She noticed that many times along the path of her life there was only one set of footprints. She also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in her life.
This really bothered her and she questioned the lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The Lord replied, "My Shannon, My precious Shannon, I love you and I would never leave you during your times of trial and suffereing, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Footprints..author unknown
(minor changes included)
You are a very courages woman even in your darkest hours, these hours I wish I could take away and bring you back to sunny, carefree days. The battle has begun and I will always be in your corner. Rest assured you have many friends doing battle with you and for you.
and loving you,
sue
Shannon~
You are a very strong woman. I know that it feels like your world is falling apart. I am here for you. Please let me know if you need anything.
Staci~MSEF
www.MelanomaSupport.org
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