Still Waiting....

Whoa. This latest development takes limbo to a whole 'nother level.
But I am getting ahead of myself.
I must admit now, for the record, that I pulled a complete and total bonehead and read my own CT scan report. Now I am wishing like HELL that I didn't even look at the thing...
But I must confess...I can't help myself. I am neurotic and nosy to a fault. I had to run up to the imaging place to pick up the CD copy of the films, and of course, along with it, was a copy of the report. That envelope was calling out to me. Screaming out to me to be opened up so I could survey what the paper inside said. Hell. I couldn't help myself. It was like a magnet. I am a glutton for punishment, that's for sure. The worst part was that I still had to do the grocery shopping. The imaging place was my first stop. I can only begin to imagine what a scary sight I must have been, walking through the store picking out canned goods and assorted breakfast items looking like I was in a state of shock induced catatonia.
The news was not quite what I had hoped for...
I read through all that babble giving the technical info on how the scan was conducted and all that preliminary standard crap that is always on my CT and then I got to the phrase that stated:

"When compared to the prior study, there has however been a significant change. The study now shows multiple new pulmonary nodules compatible with metastatic disease."

What the fuck?!?!
Sorry for my use of the dreaded F-bomb there, but that is just a mild sampling of what kind of obscenities kept flying out of my mouth over the course of the day yesterday. And today too, to be completely honest....But yesterday anyone who didn't know me would have assumed I was a victim of Tourrette's instead of melanoma (no offense intended there to anyone with Tourrette's).

I have been walking around in a blur for the last 30 hours or so, and when I haven't...I have gone almost catatonic. With the exception of those couple of crying jags; and I mean the nasty kind complete with eyes so puffy they are almost swelled shut, snot running rampant and my head so plugged up from crying that I thought it would explode.

To read this report, it would appear that I have lung mets. Definitely NOT the news I was hoping to hear. FIVE (yes, 5) new nodules -not counting those benign non changing ones that have been on my CT scans for almost a year now, are on my right lung, and another nodule on my left lung.

I am hoping like hell I am jumping off the cliff to soon here. I spoke with my doc's nurse this morning, and she told me that the doc wants me to FED-EX the CD up to him ASAP. He wants to see the images himself, because to use her words, he just doesn't believe it.
I thought to myself, but couldn't tell her because I assumed they would get P-O'ed if they knew I couldn't resist the temptation to read the report, "I couldn't f**king believe it myself!"

Anyway, he will apparently get his paws on this CD on Monday, will review the images himself, and the nurse told me, that my appointment that was originally scheduled for the 28th would have to be moved up.

Buuuut.

He wants to go thoroughly over the images before he sees me, so I gotta wait to hear what he thinks for sure until Monday the 19th. Then she said we may have some big decisions to make.

Holy HELL. I am not the most patient person in the world. Far from it. Not good at waiting at all. Hope my sanity stays intact.
I'm not exaggerating there either. I burst into tears just imagining for a split second how I was going to tell my kids that this shit is back again, and now it could be stage IV. Well, they don't really understand about the staging system, but they would understand what it means if it has come back. And while I would love to keep them from that kind of upset, it is awfully difficult to hide the evidence when the doctors appointments were getting ramped up once again.
Then of course, there are all the other morbid thoughts that can creep in and get a stranglehold over your emotions when a bombshell is just dropped on you out of nowhere...Before you really get a chance to check yourself.
All those what ifs...

Then I made myself stop the emotional tirade. Told myself that I have to remain strong and calm for Ed. For the kids. For myself too, of course....Because if he wants to see the images himself, maybe....just maybe, it is because he thinks there is the remotest possibility that these nodules could be something else?

Too good to be true?
I don't know....But I am hoping like hell....
More later....