Through it all...Life is Beautiful.

Despite whatever bad news comes down the pike...And damn, sometimes it can be mind bogglingly bad...
I never lose sight of the fact that in this life, I have been so blessed. I have been given such amazing gifts in this life that are far more than you would dare to expect out of something as seemingly standard and at times ordinary as life.

Not that you ever truly don't appreciate all you have been blessed with in this life, but cancer opens your eyes...I mean really opens your eyes....to everything around you; things that sadly, so many people who haven't been touched by it take for granted.

I wish like hell I never had to imagine the scenario of leaving this amazing life behind, because, simply put, it makes me feel as though someone punched a whole in my chest and ripped out my heart....laid me bare....

Sometimes, however, on those long dark nights, when the house is quiet, in the middle of a random bout of insomnia, my mind can't help but wander to that terrifying possibility in spite of all my best efforts to prevent it....

One thing remains clear no matter how terrifying....The fact is never lost on me that despite whatever bad I have been dealt, it has always been tempered with the amazing; the unforgettable, the beautiful. Nothing like the bad or devastating to truly make you fully appreciate the incredible; moments, people, things, that bring you sheer, pure joy....

An amazing husband for whom I feel a love I cannot measure, and two beautiful kids for whom my love is also limitless....

So many friends who have shown me kindness that has virtually brought me to tears...but only the best kind of tears. They are all my angels, no exaggeration...

Much as I can't stand to say this, but if I were to take my exit sooner rather than later, I feel that no matter how brief, my life and my heart have been completely filled up.

But here's the thing....I am greedy as hell for more....

More days, more months...more YEARS. I don't want it to end....EVER. But as we all know, in this life we are each owed a death...I just hope mine is a long, loooong, LONG time away....

Yesterday, it was confirmed that in addition to having lung metastases, I also have melanoma metastases in two spots in my bones. It goes without saying that right about now, I am petrified...Maybe even petrified is too mild a word...

Yet I feel that by admitting I am petrified it makes me weak. My rational side tells me that to believe myself weak for feeling something so human in the face of something where I have every right to have moments of weakness, moments of sheer panic....moments of utter sadness and heartbreak....would be being far to hard on myself.

But hell, most of the time, I can manage a fair share of optimism, either on my own, or now, with the help of some "happy" meds...hehe. Yep, I caved in and took the Rx for some Xanax.

It goes without saying that I am holding on to this life in a white knuckled deathgrip. This hike up to stage IV has laid me bare; forcing me to experience the rawest of emotions...

And yet, while being bumped up to stage IV melanoma, which if you believe everything you read, is incurable and in most cases fatal, there is one thing that is impossible to stomp out....HOPE.

It is NOT a death sentence. I refuse to believe it. I have to believe I will win this battle.

Melanoma, no matter what kind of shit it slings my way, will not break my will...It will never, ever diminish my will to LIVE, to laugh, to love...
This melanoma, bitch of a beast that it is, can rob us of so much, rob those we love of so much...but it cannot take or break my spirit. It cannot steal my hope, which even in its most diminished amounts, always remains...A fine thread weaving its way through everything we experience, even the worst....

As for an update:

Today I had a consult with the radiation oncologist here locally at Christiana Hospital in the fairly new Helen F. Graham Cancer Center. This is a HUGE load off our backs for me to be able to go to these treatments close to home. The doc was very nice, and from what I have seen in just that one visit, is also very compassionate. I go back in tomorrow to have a simulated CT scan in order to mark the spots that have to be irradiated: my sacrum (very low spine/back pelvis) and my right femur/hip. A "tattoo" will be applied to mark these spots...

Now this, I found at least mildy hysterical, considering that I already have two butterfly tattoos very close to the regions they will have to mark.

Then, I gotta get ready for the flesh BBQ (bad joke, I know, but I got an at times semi-sick sense of humor). The first treatment should be early next week--either Monday or Tuesday. I will have anywhere from 10-14 treatments to these areas.This should hopefully help considerably with the pain I have started to feel at a constant level now....And this pain...Holy Mary Mother of God!!! Even percocet couldn't touch it...Crying in my sleep last night, since it seems to be worse at night, it at the very least served to only get me even more steamed--rightously pissed at stinkin' ol' melanoma...

I will turn that anger around and use it in my fight.

Once all the radiation treatments are done it will be showtime once again only with the IL-2. I know this is one helluva rough treatment from all I have begun to learn....But I will just keep chanting this mantra in my head: Go obliterate this nasty melanoma!! Melanoma, you are NOT welcome here!

You (melanoma) are in deep shit now...'Cause I am SO ready to kick some ass!