I am giving myself a little more free license to bitch, gripe, whine and complain for the moment. As far as I am concerned, it is better just to get that stuff out of your system...Crucial, in fact, to my ability to clear my head a bit and move on; make the best out of this new news I have been given.Well...my surgeon called yesterday with the results on all the lymph nodes that were removed from my deeper pelvic area and abdomen. I about passed the hell out when he told me there were 31 lymph nodes removed. Yes. 31. That doesn't count the 18 or so that I already had yanked out of my upper thigh/groin area back in May of 2005. So now I figure I am down damned near 50 lymph nodes.
YIKES.
Then he lowered another bombshell on me by telling me that one had melanoma in it. He did go on to say that on the bright side, out of 31 lymph nodes, only one had melanoma in it...That's all good, buuuut....
All I keep thinking is, Good LORD...it is now outta my leg. Holy Hell...I am now stage IIIC; the nodal involvement now puts me there...Not that the odds were all that stunning for stage IIIb (30-50% five year survival according to the 2002 AJCC staging chart), but the stats for stage IIIC about made my head rotate around 360 degrees ala Linda Blair in the Exorcist....27% odds of still being here five years from now; 18% of making it for 10.
Okay. Now I have seen it. I will choose to rail at the wind for a bit...then ignore it with every ounce of strength that I have.
Not that it wasn't before, but it is even more of a big deal now that I got this vaccine trial to participate in.
Scanxiety will have a whole new meaning...
Or, I am hoping against hope, my emotions will level out, I will reframe my thinking...AGAIN...and come to see this for what it is: Just another setback. As in all that has preceeded this, I will pick myself up and face this head on.
4 comments:
Hi Shannon,
Vent away. I think is healthy and I also think your honesty will help others. You never know who will stumble onto your blog at the moment they need to feel a little less alone. Not to be Polyanna but on the bright side is DebbieH who has been NED for over 5 years and is also stage IIIC. There are others but that's one that popped into my head. Take good care of yourself, Carver
I agree being honest with your feelings is so important especially when you are in a huge fight but a fight I truly believe you will win..maybe you will always be fighting but it will be a good fight and I love the idea of this vacine that you are getting. I have heard some very good things about the vacines. Now that you have checked the stats, do remember that's all they are are stats knowing that there are many, many NED at IIIc so just keep your chin up and continue to blast away at this crazy ol beast.
sue
The way I look at it, the published odds are based on no treatments. DH is also IIIC, lots of recurrances (all nodes). He's on GM-CSF and has passed the 4-year mark (diagnosed July, 02). GM-CSF isn't a cure for us, but it's buying time while the researches get closer to a cure.
Best wishes!
-Erica (wife to David, 3C)
The way I look at it, the published odds are based on no treatments. DH is also IIIC, lots of recurrances (all nodes). He's on GM-CSF and has passed the 4-year mark (diagnosed July, 02). GM-CSF isn't a cure for us, but it's buying time while the researches get closer to a cure.
Best wishes!
-Erica (wife to David, 3C)
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